Total truth moment here. I am embarrassed to admit that this is how I felt about our now three year old daughter and my husband a few years ago but this blog is all about keeping it real right? Ok here it goes…I thought that she liked him better. And FULL truth? It wasn’t that I really thought that she liked him BETTER, it was more that I felt like she really didn’t like me at all. Is that normal? Has this ever happened to anyone else or am I just a total freak? Wait, don’t answer that. Ok, no, I mean yes, please answer that! 🙂
Why was she was more drawn to him? What was it about me that she didn’t like? We both worked full time jobs out of the house and my hours were even better really. Well, better for her, not mommy, because I was always tired. I had a morning radio show and was up at 4am BUT back by lunchtime, so I spent majority of the time with her. Hmmm…No different than with my ten year old daughter except that when she was a baby, I had an afternoon radio show instead of a morning radio show. My husband even works much longer hours running his company (gotta give him a lil’ plug, My Smart Shirt…they put logos on stuff!) Plus come on, I carried that little stinker for almost ten months darn it! lol I hate that it made me a little sad and dare I admit, a little jealous of how she didn’t like me. So dumb huh? Because truly, my husband has such a beautiful relationship with both of our girls, I am a very very lucky woman and I know this.
After I left the morning radio show where I know my heart wasn’t happy and I was always tired, I noticed something. She seemed to start being more drawn to me. Not MORE than him which is not what I wanted because it’s not a competition. I just wanted to feel like she liked me AS much as him or… at all really. During this time I discovered something about myself though. I think she could sense I wasn’t 100% happy and that was 100% on me. My husband is SO happy with what he does for a living. He loves to do things for other people, he loves to make people happy and I think she fed off that. I know I do. He’s a great person to be around. I was happy everywhere in my life at that time, EXCEPT my job. I’ve admitted before… that last year of my corporate job wasn’t the best nor was I my happiest. (Not to negate the happy 11 years before that) but that’s it, that last year is when I really noticed she didn’t seem as into me. Yep, it was me, not her.
I blogged for my last radio station for almost five years but it was never truly for me. I was not able to be totally authentic. I was not allowed to talk about something that became very important to me, my Faith. I had to have what I wrote, “approved”. I couldn’t totally be me. That’s why I started this website before I left because this is where my heart was and I knew where I wanted to go. I wanted a place to be able to be fully honest with you all. To talk about things that were real and sometimes difficult because I know I can’t be the only one out there going through this stuff. Good, bad or ugly. Right? We all have to stick together. We have to be real. Life a journey and the truth is, relationships and parenthood are hard. But, if we all try doing life together, maybe it would be a little easier to figure it out.
Thanks for letting me admit my shortcomings and for loving me anyway. Here’s to being real!
XO Surviving Mommy